Truly, there are times when I still feel very broken. I feel like the dung beetle, rolling the waste of my life up a steep and muddy slope. One step forward, then slide.
In all honesty, this is incredibly shortsighted. There was a time when I couldn’t control my drinking. I spent the whole of my days in a full on panic, smothered and choking on a whirlwind of emotions I wasn’t even able to name.
I didn’t know what I was feeling. All I knew was I was afraid. All the time. Yet, I couldn’t admit it.
Well, I’m here to tell you I’m still afraid. I’m afraid in new ways. A little less over here. A little more over there. I’m afraid of change. I’m afraid of love. I’m afraid of trying my hardest and still failing. I’m afraid of losing people. I’m afraid the people I love don’t actually love me back.
I’m afraid of losing myself.
And yet, buried in the smallest corner, in the darkness where only a single sliver of light can get in…
…is hope.
Hope for healing. Hope for recovery. Hope that some day, by the grace of God, I will learn to love myself.
And I won’t need anybody to tell me that I’m okay. I’ll already know.
It’s a long, arduous process. The child in me is still overcoming the abuse he went through all those years ago.
But there is a solution. And I’ve had a taste of it.
I go forward and I slip back. Sometimes it seems like I slip so far, I’m almost back at the bottom again.
I’ve seen the light in the darkness. God help me, I’ve seen it. And I believe it can be mine.
If no one has told you they love you today, I love you. And whatever you’ve done, or think you’ve done, I forgive you.
That goes for you too, inner child.
A Healing Journey by neverstaybroken 