I have trouble believing anybody will want to read anything I write.

I’ve been like this most of my life. I feel like I’m not good enough. I’m uninteresting. Awkward. Ordinary.

Disposable.

And yet here I am, writing. Over analyzing every word wondering if they’re going to make any difference from one to the next. I just came in from the rain. I’m sitting at the computer, air drying in the nude and processing my life.

My girlfriend-who-isn’t-my-girlfriend-anymore-but-one-day-might-be-again, expressed surprise when I told her I might not go to the Cheyenne fireworks show with her and her daughter if it rained. This is a surprise for two reasons:

First, I love the rain. I love the way it washes over me. Cold and pelting drops cascading down my face and chest, making me shudder and gasp. It’s a healing experience, but I’ve never been afraid to stand outside in front of God and everybody and look like a sopping wet weirdo.

But today, I wasn’t feeling it. That is, not until I looked out the window and saw sheets of rain rolling across the parking lot. Suddenly I needed it.

Now I’m naked, cold, and wet, and I don’t regret it.

Second, when Kim and I were dating, I often forsook my well-being. I also neglected the well-being of my loved ones for her. I would give up the things I cared about because I thought I wasn’t good enough. I needed to remind her that I was there for her. And if I didn’t prove myself constantly, she would realize she could do better and leave.

She always told me the opposite of this, of course. But I couldn’t hear it.

Until she left.

It took a while, several weeks, but something had been planted in my brain. A tiny seed of understanding that is only now beginning to sprout. I hear them whispering in the wind, almost silent.

But not quite silent.

“You are lovable.”

“You deserve forgiveness.”

“You are good enough.”

Through therapy and sobriety, I am learning to believe these things. It’s a tough journey, but somehow her and I are still making it. Separately when we need to. Together when it’s appropriate.

Is it as friends? As a couple? That, I don’t know. And truthfully, I don’t care. I’ve realized it doesn’t make a difference.

What matters is the journey. Regardless of the rain.

What are some positive changes you have made in your life recently?

Image by nini kvaratskhelia from Pixabay